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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships | 
 enlarge | Author: Mira Kirshenbaum
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Category: Book
List Price: $24.95
Buy New: $14.78
You Save: $10.17 (41%)
New (24) Used (6) from $14.78
Avg. Customer Rating:  8 reviews
Sales Rank: 5826
Media: Hardcover
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 272
Shipping Weight (lbs): 1
Dimensions (in): 9.1 x 6.5 x 1
ISBN: 0312378475
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.736
EAN: 9780312378479
ASIN: 0312378475
Publication Date: May 27, 2008
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
Shipping: International shipping available
Condition: Brand new item. Over 3.5 million customers served. Order now. Selling online since 1995. Few left in stock - order soon. Code: V20080825034147S
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Product Description
A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt and confusion to find their ways to happier, more solid relationships with the person who’s right for them. For example, Kirshenbaum identifies seventeen types of affairs, helping readers figure out which type they’re in and what it means. Is it a: --“See-if” affair?
--Ejector-seat affair?
--Distraction affair?
--Unmet-needs affair?
--Panic affair? Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions as:
--What am I missing in my marriage?
--How do I decide between two people when it’s like comparing an apple to an orange?
--How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both? She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity. When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 3 more reviews...
 realisitic July 22, 2008
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
This book is logical and realisitic in how it deals with the reality of cheating and affairs. Most affairs, I beleive are not simple and not entered into haphazardly. Ms. Kirschenbaum does a very good job of making this point and explaining what is on level unacceptable behavior. Still she is able humanize the people involved and that has to make reasonable people think. It's a very good book; I will likely read it twice.
Read whether married or not June 20, 2008
5 out of 5 found this review helpful
I bought this book thinking I would read it and pass it on to my boyfriend, who is married. I found, to my surprise, that I was reading it for myself: reading to find out if he was right for me, if I should stay with him, if there might be other men who were more right for me, and so forth.
Much of the book--particularly toward the end--confirmed for me that I had been right in advising him to leave his marriage and set up a household that would be healthy for his three children. Whether or not we end up living together or marrying is secondary to his creating a happy, healthy life for himself and his loved ones. He needs to do this first, before he and I enter into a permanent, full-time relationship.
I am grateful to Mira Kirshenbaum for writing this book. It was funny, insightful, helpful, and the many other good things such a book should be. I wish my friends J. and C. could have read it when they were in trouble; their husbands weren't right for them, and it took many years and tears for them to discover that.
 Hold Harsh Judgement June 14, 2008
9 out of 9 found this review helpful
First off, I would like to address the review from Jillian C. "Qbridge". I couldn't help but notice her bitterness and closed mind on this subject. I disagree with her statement of anyone "LIKING" to cheat on their spouse and in so doing, choosing anyone and everyone to cheat with. The reason for my review is to support the author and her beliefs regarding the content of this book. Today during channel surfing I caught her being interviewed on a news network. It was more of a "roast" and the interviewer (was it "Qbridge"??) was mocking the author for her obvious deep thought on this subject. The author was cut off when she said that it actually takes more courage for the cheater to keep their past secret to themselves. I applaud this author for giving much thought and help to those who truly need it.
First Hand Experience! June 4, 2008
20 out of 21 found this review helpful
This book is outstanding. It will help you figure out what you are doing and why you are doing it. Once you have figured that out, you can start to make the decisions you need to make to get your life back on track. being stuck between two relationships is no way to go through life. It is destructive and hurtful to EVERYONE involved. In NO WAY does this book try to condone the behavior of people who cheat. Mira simply recognizes that infidelity is a fact of life (75% of couples will be touched by it at some point), and the most important thing is to help people figure out why they have stepped beyond their primary relationship so that they can decide what to do next. Mira clearly distinguishes between sociopathic louts who cheat simply because they "can", and the otherwise good person who has, quite uncharacteristically, "strayed" and is now in WAY over their head in a second relationship.
The book is comprehensive but spends most of its time helping you figure out who is right for you, the primary partner or the affair partner. I think this section is outstanding, and Mira tackles a subject that few if any other authors have ever dared approach. While it is very helpful (she has found a way to compare apples to oranges!!!), I think one of the things left out (probably because it is so individual) is transaction costs. What I mean is even if you figure out (with Mira's techniques) that the "affair" partner is better for you, you still have to go through a divorce, split up money and assets, give up at least 1/2 of the time with your children, lose many of your friends, move out of the house, start your life over from scratch etc etc. How do you factor that in? How MUCH better does the affair partner have to be to justify this upheaval? Again, this will be different for everyone. Someone who has not much to lose might leave for a marginally "better" partner. Someone with a LOT to lose is only going to leave for a MUCH better situation. So in the end this is a difficult decision that should NOT be made impulsively. It should be made after careful thought and analysis, and this book CERTAINLY helps put 90% of the important issues into perspective to make this difficult decision. I recommend a good local therapist to help you out with the individual aspects of YOUR situation.
I have read the book from cover to cover and I recommend it HIGHLY. It helped me sort out my own situation. Thank god it came out in such a timely manner. Good luck with your own ordeal...I KNOW it is NOT EASY!! I have intentionally not said what I ended up doing....I remember when I first started trying to figure out what to do about my own situation I would read reviews like this and try to see who stayed and who left and tried to read into that information to see what I should do...I don't want to sway anyone one way or the other. GOOD LUCK!
Help in the nick of time for me May 31, 2008
19 out of 19 found this review helpful
Four weeks ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me. I was furious. I threw my husband out of the house. But I was devastated. We have three children, and I thought we had a good life. Everything seemed to be over for good. Then my therapist said something amazing. She said, "Look, he did a bad thing, but is he really a bad man?" That stopped me. I thought about our life together. He was a good man. I could always rely on him. My therapist lent me her copy of this book. I think it may have saved my life. I read it in one evening. I saw how my husband really could have been in pain even though he put me in pain.
Most of all, I saw that there were many reasons why people cheat, and most of them DON'T mean that your marriage is over. And I saw what the work was that my husband and I needed to do to put our marriage together. My husband and I have talked almost nonstop for the last two days. It's been pretty intense. But Myra Kirschenbaum's book has given me, given both of us really, the hope and understanding to work at healing our marriage.
This is one of those books that can save your life. I am so grateful for it.
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