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My Answer is No . . . If That's Okay with You: How Women Can Say No and (Still) Feel Good About It | 
 enlarge | Author: Nanette Gartrell
Publisher: Free Press
Category: Book
List Price: $24.00
Buy New: $3.85
You Save: $20.15 (84%)
New (35) Used (17) from $1.56
Avg. Customer Rating:  7 reviews
Sales Rank: 190649
Media: Hardcover
Edition: 1
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 272
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.8
Dimensions (in): 8.4 x 5.8 x 1.4
ISBN: 1416546936
Dewey Decimal Number: 155.633
EAN: 9781416546931
ASIN: 1416546936
Publication Date: January 1, 2008
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
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Shipping: International shipping available
Condition: Brand New! May have ink mark on book edge and/or very light shelf wear
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Product Description
- Are you afraid you'll hurt the people you care about if you say NO to them?
- Can you set limits when employees neglect their responsibilities? How about with your boss?
- When friends ask you to do something you don't want to do, do you invent an elaborate excuse?
- Do you have a hard time saying NO to an invitation even when you're completely exhausted?
- Do you have trouble even practicing the sentence "No, Mom, I just can't make it home this holiday"?
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, keep reading - you need this book... No is a very simple word -- two letters, one syllable. Yet many women have a hard time saying it without feeling anxious or guilty. In My Answer Is NO...If That's Okay with You, award-winning psychiatrist and author Dr. Nanette Gartrell takes a fresh look at why even the most powerful, accomplished, and successful women find it difficult to say no and offers a revolutionary approach to setting limits without jeopardizing important relationships. Today women are bombarded with messages like "put yourself first" and "stop being a people-pleaser." But this sort of advice is useless to women who value the caring and generosity that prompt them to say yes in the first place. Through personal interviews with a diverse group of talented women, including CEOs, celebrities, physicians, and public officials, Dr. Gartrell shows that women's reluctance to say no stems from valuable traits that they should embrace, such as empathy, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness. With humor and wisdom, Dr. Gartrell reaffirms the psychological importance of compassion and feeling connected, which can often lead a woman to say yes rather than no in order to preserve a relationship or spare someone's feelings. Through entertaining anecdotes and insights from her years of clinical practice, Dr. Gartrell teaches women to honor their best instincts while still maintaining boundaries. My Answer Is NO...If That's Okay with You offers creative, practical ways to transform an automatic or reluctant yes into a healthy, respectful no -- and still feel good about it.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 2 more reviews...
Excellent book! January 28, 2008
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
As a psychologist, I think that Dr. Gartrell has done an impressive job of writing a book that has equal applicability to readers who are mental health professionals, readers who have never delved into psychology at all, and anyone else in between. No mean feat! It's an overall good read, and some sections are very poignant, others very funny. I think this book will do a lot of good for a wide variety of readers.
 Can't say no to this book January 27, 2008
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
"No" is one of the best self-help books I've read in quite awhile. I would recommend the book to male friends if it weren't so obviously targeted to women.
Most people would consider me above-average assertive, but I found many ideas immensely helpful. For example, I believe many of us could relate to the challenge of saying no to friends. We've all participated in stale rituals and over the years I've said "yes" to invitations I later regretted.
Perhaps the best part of this book is the section on saying no to one's doctor or therapist (you could apply the same principles to saying no to one's coach or marketing mentor, too).
I would go even further and say, "Even if you've signed up for a multi-session program, insist on leaving as soon as you stop gaining benefits."
The book's general approach is stronger than particular suggestions. Indeed, some specific suggestions seem questionable. For instance, we get a brilliant section on dealing with parents who are narcissistic or borderline. I like the idea to keep a list of standard responses nearby - but "I am sorry you feel this way" (p. 14) comes across as insulting even if you're not a narcissist.
At times, the author seems optimistic beyond what's realistic. I think readers will encounter more resistance than the book anticipates, especially when dealing with family. Sometimes people have to choose between maintaining a relationship -- even a barely civil one -- and maintaining one's sanity. At times, divorcing the family will be the most appropriate action.
The section on caregiving has some good points -- e.g., take time for yourself -- but I wonder why the care receiver's "no" options are not mentioned. And the difficulties of bringing a family together can be insurmountable. I read the section on saying no to "unavailable bros" (p. 229)to a male friend whose sisters reused to participate in their aging mother's care. My friend laughed aloud. The author urges the caregiver to ask siblings, "What are you willing to do?" His own sisters said, clearly and unambiguously, "Nothing." (When the mother died they talked through laywers.)
The section on saying no at work is very good; the author recognizes the monetary costs along with the intangible benefits. Her point about career-boosting opportunities that reduce our negotiating power (p. 83) deserves wider recognition. I especially agree with the point developed on pp. 86-87: women are expected to be kindly and nurturing. In my former life as a college professor, students frequently assumed I would understand their personal problems, such a child care. Ironically, some of the male professors were far more empathetic. I would add that business owners (especially women) can have trouble saying "no" to requests for free service.
As other reviewers have noted, it's reassuring to learn that strong, accomplished women can have difficulty saying "no" in certain situations. I suspect everyone - male and female - does.
Ultimately, I'd like to explore the book's premise even further: Sometimes, no matter how we try, we will not be liked. And sometimes the energy invested in trying to maintain a doomed relationship might be better spent elsewhere.
Immediately Applicable January 20, 2008
3 out of 3 found this review helpful
As is typical of many women, saying no is something that I just cannot seem to do routinely. It has caused me more problems than my past problems with alcohol. Sober 22 years, I still have a tough time saying the simple word "no." Dr. Gartrell's book is practical and clear. That is what I need. I immediately put it into practice. I am a very fast reader and work in a tough business. The book works for me. I needed help in a fast and sure way. Yes, I appreciate the quotes from women that are very important in the world, yet I equally appreciate the examples from women who are working day-to-day to be stronger, more confident and better at what they do. This book is mandatory, and I rarely hand out compliments. I am a tough sell, and this book should not be. It should fly off the shelves to assist us all. Kimberly Allen Austin, TexasMy Answer is No . . . If That's Okay with You: How Women Can Say No and (Still) Feel Good About It
I'm not so wimpy afterall January 20, 2008
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
For years (all of my adult life) I've thought my difficulty saying "NO" was a serious psychological flaw of character. Everyone else-- or so it seemed to me-- was establishing strong, tidy boundaries about personal responsibilities. No one seemed to have the same serious problem I do, i.e., saying "NO" when my own interests are overlooked and completely screwed. Now here is Danielle Steele telling me she has the same problem! HELLO!
The best part of the book is that Dr. Gartrell tells me it's because I CARE about personal relationships that I do this. In other words, my sensitivity and fear of losing close relationships if I say "NO" is NOT a bad thing, but a problem scores of women(and men?) deal with. DUH! It's because we care! So good.
And she gives me so many tips about how, exactly, to say "NO" in many situations and relationships.
I can't recommend this book highly enough. Please buy it for your friends and family. Lord knows we know who needs it!!!
refreshing approach to tough problem January 16, 2008
5 out of 5 found this review helpful
Like most of my female friends, I agonize when I have to refuse a request. Because I feel so guilty, I usually agree to do things that I don't want to do. At the same time, I resist one-size-fits-all JUST SAY NO solutions to my excessive compliance. What stands out about this book is that it is full of examples that fill in the middle ground between extreme acquiescence and absolutist NO's. There is no RIGHT WAY to say no. What a relief to find that the high-profile women interviewed by the author squirm and equivocate just as much as I do. I also love the gazillion examples of soft, relationship-sensitive NO's the author provides. This is a great book for anyone in search of nuanced solutions to social problems.
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