The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life

I bought this book out of general interest, because I like Albert Ellis's books. This book answered one specific question for me. It had been puzzling me for a year and a half. Namely, why on earth did this woman who I cared for, keep rejecting me and going back to her old boyfriend who treated her like garbage, and occasionally struck her?
(Answer: Abuse creates strong feelings, which some women mistake for love).

I've had occasion to pass this book to a few female friends who I thought needed it, and to one who I knew didn't. The latter, who never takes any rubbish from anybody, found it a fascinating read - as it explained to her behaviour she observed in some men and women.

The beginning chapters outline what constitutes verbal abusive behaviour, and gives numerous examples.

One of the my female friends stated that it was an eerie experience, reading in point form, almost an exact script of what life with her ex husband had been like for the previous 20 years.
My other abused friend said, "Yes it's all true - except for the part about saying sorry - he never said that".

I can only draw one conclusion:
If you have a niggly feeling that things aren't quite right with either your new Prince Charming, or with the one who used to be Prince Charming - before you married him - you had better read this book.
Else you may waste 10 or 20 years on someone who, you will ultimately and grimly be forced to admit to yourself, never actually loved you. He was incapable of it from the beginning.

The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude.
Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.

If you are one of the unfortunate women stuck in this situation, you can at least take some solace - the book points out that you are not alone. Thousands of women are in a similar situation.


Erasing the Gray   April 3, 2003
 5 out of 72 found this review helpful

This book by Dr. Ellis sounds like a weak rationalization for justifying the idolization of Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Theory for the Ignorant. It's too bad that it seems to be skewed toward domestic relations where the stronger partner has license to ignore the sensitivity or the humanity of the weaker partner. Unfortunately, this pattern is not limited only to intimate relations but appears upon every street corner as well as every street, if not on every playground. There seems to be little evidence of reactionary refusals included in attempts to set limits on such behavior. In most cases, the "stronger, more intelligent" person refuses to stoop to the level of the ignorant person who uses such tactics to try to control, ideally, to prevent wallowing in the stench of the ignorant persons who use this method pretending it represents control, power, and strength. In most cases, it's not worth the bother since such "acting out" by weak-minded persons don't deserve to have their poorly constructed "arguments" met with legitimate response, and are usually too ignorant to understand the benefit of alternative methods. This "typical bully behavior" that doesn't even rise to the level of legitimate S&M, much less pass for communication, deserves the only kind of response possible in such situations - complete dismissal because of its failed credibility. The public nusiance that it is, however aggravating, is best left to stew in its own disgraced juice, spiced by its own concoction of frustration. Why would it deserve more recognition than acknowledging its failings rooted more in its own ridiculous outbursts than by any legitimate concern that commands attention or authority? How can it be thought of as anything but ignorant? It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to appreciate the differences between black and white in areas where gray doesn't "wear well."


This book should come with a warning label   November 25, 2001
 47 out of 54 found this review helpful

Abused women, do NOT read this book BEFORE therapy or before you are well on your way to recovery. This book will RETRAUMATISE you. Dr. Ellis, whilst a well-respected psychologist, misuses his authority by speaking the truth WITHOUT love. He does make some very valid points, but the book is permeated with the idea that others have the perfect right to run roughshod over anyone who can't "stop" them. Yes, we all own our emotions. Yes, we each create our own responses to how others treat us. HOWEVER, we, each and every one of us, ALSO are responsible for HOW OUR BEHAVIOR effects others. This is especially true for abusive people who brutally control others through threats, intimidation, double-bind situations and the misuse of trust inherent in intimate relationships. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, even if a notable psychologist says it is. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND LUNDY BANCROFT'S "WHY DOES HE DO THAT" INSTEAD. Mr. Bancroft actually understands what really goes on in an abusive relationship - the abuser's sense of entitlement is the real problem.


Exactly what I needed...but   June 18, 2001
 105 out of 117 found this review helpful

I wouldn't recommend this as a first book to read about verbal abuse. For me, it was a real catalyst for change, but probably would NOT have been if I hadn't a) been in therapy for a while and b)first read a lot of other books, especially books by Cheri Huber, a buddhist teacher with very similar ideas. 100% responsibility for your experience, 100% of the time.

I agree, it is hard to swallow the idea that an abuser has the 'right' to abuse, but really it is true, but not in a specific way, like the way that we have a right to free speech. It is broader than that, and I think is intended more to shift your attention away from what the abuser is doing and instead focus on YOURSELF. I can't explain it, but it has to do with the abuser sowing his own seeds.

I think this is a very powerful book, but also very easy to misinterpret. Save this one for more advanced recovery work.